01/15/20 // clearity clarity

a lot in my life has just recently become clearer. since the beginning of 2020, i mean. i was looking through old pictures of myself from 2010 to pair w/any acceptable 2020 self portraits & during it i processed a complete decade’s worth of growth & memories. the first time it’d been as complete as a decade. i guess i’ve been ‘Awake’ for over 10yrs now (i don’t feel like i wasn’t really myself/my own person until 2007 but that’s another long, looooong story [bc i write so much~]). as opposed to when the first time it even happened in 2010 (2010 / 2020 mmn.. congruence! one loves 2 see it).

// currently listening to: ‘weight of living, pt.2’ by Bastille // (we are unbroken-up now) //
what an appropriate song to be shuffled (!!)

clearer 01,
– details about my last relationship. now, publicly posting about personal things such as this in this currently hyper-connected social media time-frame gives me a lot of pause. by default i can’t help but go to a worse scenario where for some reason anything here were to be screenshot’d & used against me online &/or otherwhere. 🙃🤣🙃 even though logically i know this is not likely to happen for a number of reasons i still initially believe the worst will indeed happen.

—- side note —-
while listening to Bastille w/my good headphones my left ear starts it’s inevitable protests & i have to stop or the sound & pain gets worse. i don’t think anyone knows that about me. it makes me feel miserable thinking about it too much bc i don’t like the idea that i might lose my hearing when it’s been essential to my existence forever. i’ve always had great hearing & didn’t realize it until the end of my time in high school (another story..)…. i use my ears to move about the world just as much as my eyes. i rarely use olfactory-type methods [providing that that means ‘nose/smell’ & isn’t just purely me wording in this flowery asshole way i can slip into. oh, but maybe both are true….] in any case it sucks (understatement~) that something so commonly relied on can erode & one day it won’t Be anymore. highlighting my youth’s (?) ignorance in taking everything good in my life for granted. i mean…. as a kid taking everything good in their life for granted. quite possibly bc they’re kids & have no previous years of experience to draw from, (damn flowery asshole).
— —
but yeah, 2010–2020 gives us some material to sort through.

highlight 02,
– (they’re highlights now!)

i’ve always fallen into the category of ‘the therapist’, ‘counselor’, ‘teacher’, ‘intermediary’, ‘buffer’, (‘punching bag’ & ‘doormat’?!),.. i’m very used to this position. i can tell i’ve grown up w/it molded into my being. it’s not going away, basically. 😔 so i’ve accepted it.

[—- end of post bc i forgot what i was talking about. i’ll add it here if i remember —-]