06/20/19, 12.06a/01.40a // thought blathering

i still constantly assume by default that everyone hates me. i logically know that’s probably not true, or at least it’s a general dislike instead of hate. idk i have a very hard time accepting positive feedback about myself or what i do.

yesterday i saw a mutual post one of those ‘like this & i’ll indirectly say something nice about you’ posts & even though there’s a good chance they’d say something positive (which was even an assurance judging by the wording) i so seriously wanted to avoid getting my feelings hurt, bc they’re constantly hurt, i didn’t fav the post. i guess that’s understandable in a roundabout way but still, we had a few recent positive interactions & i felt the likelihood was greater than usual. 😔 self esteem? what’s that?

but yeah, self esteem is…. not something i have a lot of. i think only recently have i felt like “my self esteem levels have increased from 0 to 1” & that was a shock that it happened at all. oddly enough it’s something i almost entirely did by myself. i kept thinking ‘how am i supposed to gain self esteem if (essentially) no-one validates me?’ but in more of a vague-ish feeling way. but even then i wasn’t drawing the attention of others to that extent & it’s not exactly something you can just ask for & have guaranteed responses (unless i were to become a micro-famous online entity once more). i guess i just kept & keep on working on myself.

i feel like the trauma(?) from early childhood shapes me now & bc of it i’m someone who can’t easily share the things, ones, etc. i love &/or like. it seems like a widespread human thing to be able to & want to share the things you like &/or love. (how????) ,, as much as i default to thinking i have no friends & no-one cares about me, i logically know that i do have a few genuine friends. i tend to think ppl don’t like me (as i said earlier). it’s interesting seeing what i regularly do written out in front of me. i don’t vent anywhere, not even on paper. i’m trying to change that.