06/13/19, 12.46a // RSD

i don’t often accurately describe my emotions, or myself. it’s either at one extreme or another, i can’t readily identify anything in-between bc my brain still defaults to black & white. it’s never fun when parts of me are suddenly called into question, it’s a feeling i’d rather avoid but i haven’t been able to lately.

during my last therapy session i mentioned i felt like i was being significantly affected by RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria. i was tasked with taking notes to bring to the next session so i did that on monday. the words from the ADD-itude magazine site’s article were administered coldly by someone who probably should stop being a doctor (i guess it’s not important to take care with the words you use? especially when you know anxiety-prone ppl may be looking at your article for help? if you’re a doctor & you’ve neglected to do that then time to give up your seat~) something the article said was that ppl who experience RSD tend to fall into 2 (definitive!!~) categories: they become ppl pleasers in order to cope or they stop trying out of fear & stop doing anything. the article described the 2nd group as “destined to become the slackers of the world” like holy fuck, shithead. calm down, little ableist, calm down.

so i’m still left without answers but hopefully it won’t be for too long. friday is a double therapy day & i plan to bring this up both times

yesterday online i had some unfortunate experiences that really stressed me out. just 2 but still, 2. it turns out i actually have a little support system in my corner of the fediverse & i wasn’t completely aware until yesterday. it’s not that i didn’t have one, i suppose it’s that i couldn’t see it until an extreme happened (twice, lol). i always feel guilty for “making them help me” as it’s phrased in my head. i know it’s illogical but RSD adds that realistic feeling & i fall for it almost every time. heck, i still feel really guilty when someone uses he/him pronouns for me, irl or url. but especially irl.

i made a mutual i care about feel nervous that i was going to say something ignorant or something they disagreed with & i feel so awful about it. often i have the entire idea in my head but when sharing with others whether through text or talking i can never quite convey myself accurately. sometimes i’ll write something out without realizing that i left a part of the explanation in my head where only i could see it & forget others can’t. that’s such a prevalent theme in my life for a very, very long time

i don’t feel like i’m getting everything out (of course) but i’m going to go to sleep