06/10/19, 10.54p // i’m gay, ok, 🏳️‍🌈🤖🧠

yesterday i saw Rocketman in the theatre. overall i really liked it but i have more personal reasons than being an Elton John fan, (though i pretty much knew all the songs & don’t mind them except pinball wizard is heck-of ableist) something that Rocketman really dug up for me almost immediately was essentially

ʟɪᴠɪɴɢ ʟɪғᴇ ᴀs ᴀ ɢᴀʏ ᴍᴀɴ

(alt text: ‘living life as a gay man’) that’s actually something i’ve wanted. wanted to be acknowledged by others that i’m as legitimate as a cis gay man. that was a big wish when i was 17. i wanted it so intensely bc at the time as a pre-t trans boy i felt it’d never be true for me. nowadays i lean more towards neutral/nonbinary/genderqueer/agender but at the same time i still have this.. unfulfilled need to be gendered as a (trans) boy &/or guy. maybe i want to offset being misgendered for almost my whole life with the exact opposite of what everyone called me? i remember a time when misgendering hurt like knives. nowadays a stranger would probably assume i’m some form of ‘male’. i can’t express how grateful i am for this change. it’s a little different with ppl who know i’m trans. sometimes that fact maybe being on the minds of the ppl around me makes misgendering more likely to be the result (whether it was an accident or not). i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to get top surgery, i don’t know if i’ll be able to lose weight enough before the end of the world. but at least i’ve been on testosterone for 5yrs+ & have had the amount of relief that’s given me. i love being hairy. i love having a beard. sure i’m not a fan of sweating all the time & increased showers & the weight gain (probably muscle too but i mind the fat part. i know i shouldn’t but i have BDD so one thing at a time, please ^___^);;) [i’ve actually had…. buckets of thoughts stored up from over the past 5yrs & this topic is included. i want to write them out here (goal set!)] before hormones i was a very androgynous person, that’s often how others described me, though to my disappointment when i asked my mom that question she said ” you look androgynous but you can still tell that you’re a girl” (essentially) sadly it was true. i have yet to have enough confidence to ask my mom or anyone else currently in my life how they think of my “new face” though it’s not very new anymore, which is good. i’d rather be able to recognize myself in the mirror than not, which was the case for my first 2-3yrs on hormones. i couldn’t look at myself bc i was undergoing a literal transformation, lololol aha yeah technically. [shivers at the memories] as an admittedly queer aroace i gained the ability to be very noticeably turned on & for the first year & some into the second i was all about sex with my then-boyfriend. i’m grateful he was with me & i have a feeling he was glad i was there, too :-) sex for me is broken down into a cause & effect. i figured out how to best serve my then-boyfriend sexually & then i got very, very good at it (he’s told me). it’s like.. math? it’s a logical operation? i have some sexual trauma i haven’t worked through & don’t really know how yet. but.. that’s off-topic my brain is foggy right now, pieces of myself are being called into question when they’ve been secure for 10yrs+ & i’m not into it, To Be Honest. i wanted to finish this post with on-topic writing & i wanted to get some things out. but i don’t feel like i can. i have this deep-seated shame about so many things in my life. i don’t feel comfortable opening up to anyone bc i know in the end they won’t have the same understanding of.. my brain, as i do. it’s hard to explain. my ex knew me really well but was that really me? who am i now? bc i don’t…. know if i’m real. i don’t believe it’s possible to let anyone in, not like before. i have “trust issues,” huh? most likely. actually yes, that’s the main theme of the incident that caused my Sharing Problem but back to my shame about ~daring~ to want to be/be acknowledged as being as legitimate as a cis gay man, as an AFAB trans person, another version of a gay man. the ‘man’ term is wavy but solid right now. but. i don’t feel legitimate even though i am. i guess that means i know i am but i don’t believe it, or feel like i deserve to feel it’s true. that leads to the bigger issue of having no self esteem/low self esteem & that i don’t consider myself worth anything. all. i don’t know how to.. subvert this. i don’t know if it’s possible to do by myself, except that doesn’t work bc i do things by myself by default. in my last relationship my ex withheld affection from me on purpose & gaslit me about it. at the end of the relationship he told admitted that. so i have an even bigger deficit from that withholding. & i feel very guilty about it. i asked him a few times to please refer to me as a boy, please. but he never did consistently, usually once when i asked & never any other time. i stopped asking bc i already knew what the outcome would be. i’m sad that all i expect is abuse & that abuse actually happened again. how do you justify being suicidal at the end of the world? i just want to experience real & reciprocated love. that means working on my mental illness stuff but i want to. i want to learn how to trust someone & not be betrayed. i don’t know if anyone can do that. i doubt anyone would want to