10/25/18, 01.04p // vent, mh, thought collection

“you’re just jealous” sadly true. i mean i can push these feelings away like usual but i feel it’s probably better to get them out

ever since august i’ve been 20x the exposed bundle of nerves i usually am. i’ve gone from a kind of balanced amount of sensitivity to being hyper-sensitive about everything & i can’t turn it off, i can’t make it stop

i take things personally that arent even about me, usually just highlights of what i wish i was as opposed to what i’m not. i /know/ those things are never directed at me but i feel hurt as if it was an intentional jab at me personally

i’m sure this is cliché but it feels like no-one understands, which might seem like the case online maybe primarily especially cuz i have a hard time reading social cues anyway n’ online just doubles that stress but i’m actually better at talking to ppl person-to-person now that i’ve been on hormones for 5yrs. it’s a weird contrast to how i used to operate but things change. talking irl or even via video chat (which i haven’t done in a long time & makes me incredibly anxious, especially skype) i feel would offer better communication than via text which sucks cuz i strongly prefer text //-: it’s hard to pull feelings from words written online & often when i try i find i was wrong

(im really trying to stay on topic. it’s difficult. i have a lot of important things to say but i’ll forget everything if i don’t get it out quick enough & then i get distracted & nothing gets solved)

actually let’s take a break, having 6,666 characters is nice but i could be here for a while & mastodon doesn’t have drafts, tsk tsk