10/23/18, 03 // xtian teachings, abuse, personal

i’m so very behind, sexually. i hate it. until testosterone i never cared i had no experience. now i care entirely ;___;)/💔

being told from the very start that, amongst many other things, sexual activity was only acceptable after marriage & in an attempt to procreate has cemented this shame about sex in me that i am very much trying to shake

i went through the youngest divisions of my american school-time: preschool & then kindergarten. progressed from first to 2nd to 3rd to 4th to 5th to 6th to 7th to 8th grade at a xtian/lutheran grade school being way gentler in comparison to high school, (the much much more evangelical xtian school). freshman, sophomore, junior, & senior year (well, just the first half of senior year i attended school at school instead of the homeschooling that was required later) it’s not that they “got to me” cuz they didn’t, it’s that their assault was unrelenting & didn’t let up until i escaped via graduation

damn i want to write more but im so tired
2b continued~

essentially my time at xtian schools/my grade & high school experiences were heavily saturated by their influence whether i could successfully resist it or not. so i’ve been in the process of undoing that damage bc i now know better than i previously did that sex isn’t necessarily a bad thing like i was taught it was

i’m still very, very ashamed about having sex even though it’s something i enjoy partaking in now (weird, huh? thanks testosterone!) sometimes touching or being touched is enough to start making me cry (i can’t quite sort that out just yet. it’s been going on since i started dating in 2007/2008) but i don’t want that to be the case)

i want to be “”””normal”””” abt this!!!!!!!!