09/21/18, 12:55a // personal history, tumblr days, self injury (long)

talking abt anxiety so much has just dug sth up for me that’s affected me in a lot of ways & i’ve always worried abt this so i just wanted to let you know,

in 2011 (primarily), i had over 7k tumblr followers (& subsequently a kind of following). ppl liked me for some reason. my Thing, unfortunately, was mental health but specifically self injury (specifically cutting)

it originally was my personal blog & so i posted personal things, like mh stuff, & i am someone who would take pictures of their self injury results
• back then, all i knew was that i had a bad memory & loved taking pictures (& now i know more, like i’m a visual learner & that i use photography as a way to solidify my memory. i call flickr my ‘archive’ & it’s been helpful)
• & my last set of excuses is that i was 20 & suicidal a lot & very depressed

but still, the framework of what happened is kind of like,
– create tumblr in 2010 to follow buddy nielsen from senses fail,
– float around tumblr for a while,
• personal blog: containing angsty posts & probably even some angsty ‘poems’ & other writing & such. accompanying the personal stuff were the reblogs, (or as i say now, ‘re-bagels’ which is the one true name for the function, the end)

but.. yeah, i started reblogging depression posts & the like. i wish i could remember the timeline better in terms of accurate details but my overall knowledge is that eventually as my cutting started to get worse it poured into my art, my writing, my photos. i thought about it nonstop. i do know it was like an addiction at that point (it sadly was) & i found my blog to be an outlet.. for a time

i guess when i think abt it, what my blog turned into towards the end was a good thing. i know bc i’ve had a lot of ppl tell me, which i couldn’t believe. & some of my old “”followers”” have been my friends for over 6yrs (6 years) & i’ve been friends w fellow “big mh tumblr names” (idk how to describe us/them, lol) for 10+yrs (over 10 years). towards the middle & end it was kind of a help blog. it was like i was an unofficial therapist, i suppose. i tried my best but looking back i was off on things, like i now know it’s not as easy to just say ‘you need to go to the ER’ or suggesting therapy if the person hadn’t tried it already but when i had someone w a problem i couldn’t solve i couldn’t think of anything else to say

meanwhile i reblogged /so much/ & that’d include links to resources & hotlines available at the time but also, uh, some posts i’d label as “oh poor me” (as i have done [in my art & notebooks]) that pretty much were.. self indulgent in terms of sadness if that makes sense? not always, but they appeared. mixed into those were my personal posts which would be text (by me), images (by me), or gifs i made (..by me) & i think that’s the basic structure of my old tumblr

(this is getting too long & should really be a blog post if i want so much detail so i’ll try to be less rambly)

things abt the si pictures i posted: they were more “artistic” compared to the si pictures you might be aware of now. some are like abstracts & all of them went through a long editing process (2011 was a year i intensely used my dslr p much exclusively. i never had a smartphone while i had this blog)

but! they still are si pictures that i put out there & i shouldn’t have. that’s the part i’ll be apologizing for the rest of my life & i really, really do. in the beginning i remember trying to justify it saying it was therapeutic but as time went on that got increasingly difficult to justify & i changed my tone

even though i’ve done good things i still did /that/ & it’s never not going to be so

the last part of this is, well, this: i had been a kind of “somebody” for a period of time, on tumblr. back then mental health issues weren’t talked about all that much, so in the realm of the Somebodies (lol sorry bad title) i was in the mental health group. i had this Thing i’d built. like i’d become a kind of figure & i saw other people start their own mental health blogs, so it was like.. it’d passed on

i had been alarmed at the increase of si pictures, specifically those taken just to showcase injuries. that was unacceptable to me. (idk is that a cognitive dissonance thing w my own si pictures?)

the thing that pushed me over the edge was the first time i saw a video of someone plainly cutting themselves. my Thing had always been to NOT create any how-to’s EXPLICITLY. /NO. HOW-TO’S./ i’d get asks abt what kind of razors i used & every time i gave a nonsensical answer like “cotton candy” until no-one asked me anymore. after i saw that video i made the decision to “”tear down my empire”” aka post to 7k+ ppl that i will no longer be posting any si pictures or reblogging [triggering] content, i began to absolutely hemorrhage followers. everywhere, actually. it was.. amazing. & sad, but it was a necessary change & the ppl who remained were some of the ones who later became friends

writing this has been an hours-long endeavor i’m feeling very tired writing abt it for so long & i’d like to go back to posting nonsense [online], haha. i can always write more & i think i’d like to, i just need a break

ty for reading <3

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