09/19/18, 03.54p // personal 💔

i try not to have super personal conversations in the house where everyone might hear but yday while washing the dogs, C. & i talked a lot & i didn’t care if anyone heard

it’s a rare victory to actually get to say what i need to say, partly bc i don’t push for the things i need but also bc C. makes talking to him very hard

he’ll talk over me if i say something he disagrees w abt himself & a bunch of other fun things that really sincerely deter me from wanting to continue talking bc it’s stressful & angers me & feels pointless. so that leads to us /not/ talking as much as we should have

i guess maybe i should let this go but. i haven’t talked about all this for several years, lol i want to get this out

in terms of how he talks to me, my mom apparently could hear his tone of voice as he spoke to me in during our time doing dog baths. she described it as “crazy-making” at first & then switched to “gaslighting” after we’d talked for a while. ive /NEVER/ had outside confirmation of this in our 4.5yrs. im approaching that confirmation tentatively bc maybe if i focus too much on it i’ll realize i AM making everything up like i ALWAYS think i am. i don’t know. i /do/ feel crazy. i feel like im always wrong. ive always thought i was always “making everything up”

i feel.. irreparable //-: