09/15/18, 10.13p //…★

(originally posted on instagram but.. my words primarily have are filed by their timestamps)


i have been malfunctioning. i have been.. updating. (speculation: in general, in human relationships, in my new ‘relationship status,’ that he & i are no longer romantically linked, have i not been doing enough? no matter how much effort i put into it, the focus continues to shift away to places i just /swear/ are being highlighted bc i explicitly don’t want them to be)

i have been blaming myself for every error & i have lost a certain aspect of myself. this is just something that seems to happen w me. i am versions beyond the versions you all have met throughout the years. i wonder if a significant, functional part of me has been lost, or maybe just eroded significantly (lol)

i think i went into a cocoon when i started hormones & i’ve been changing ever since. // listening to particular sad songs in order to elicit a tangible emotion has been my go-to method since i was a teenager. the music is like an emotional conducting rod. for most of the time i can’t understand what im feeling or discern if im feeling anything at all

i don’t know how realistic it is to set the grandiose goal of “LOVE MYSELF” while im still stuck at 0.2% self esteem. that seems like at least an 80%+ level perk. for now i’ll try to anchor myself with that which is beloved & familiar to me. putting myself first very strongly goes against my instincts,, i’m not supposed to be any kind of significant & i’m supposed to be humble & silent. but logically i know that’s not true,