05/07/18, 03.57p // 📓

(03.57p,) this stuff is no longer funny to me. it feels like at least half of all online jokes elicit only shrugs &/or slight frowns from me. im not saying You cant think its funny, You may do w/e you want. i, just personally, am burnt out on this kind of humor
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(03.58p,) i went out in public like this :-v
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(03.59p,) im not wearing the right binders today & my chest is very noticeable, fcuk

(09.47p,) the lyrics are
“drawin’ on the ol’ banjo~”
im fairly sure
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(09.49p,) ah, the urge to beat my head/forehead on concrete & the accompanying adrenaline rush alongside a slight sincere want to do it
– (09.50p) i havent self injured in months but i think about it a lot & i miss cutting though its a fcuking pain to have to go through to even properly do it its almost too much
— (09.54p) i mean, having a lot of body hair means theres a layer of hair im cutting through b4 i can get to the layer i really want, but the hair gets in the way, by covering my skin.. & IF i shave parts of my legs…. will it grow back? w/my shots not being consistent i really dont know

(09.55p,) im frozen from anxiety

(10.33p,) well, even if this is illogical, going through the author’s experience w her suicide attempt + subsequent hospitalization, um. mine was nothing compared to hers
its not a competition but i cant help but compare. i dont want to, maybe ill get past it someday

(10.35p,) i have a new batch of songs to go through :^)

(10.37p,) oh, also i can see my hairline…. receding…. goodbye hair i rely on so much, i will cry for you, i will

(10.45p,) when new drs learn how many meds im on they make me feel like its my fault & i shouldnt be on so many
kind of like when ppl discover i drink diet coke, but the diet coke situation makes more sense, for me to have that measure of control over it
– i_mean, i could just stop taking all my meds again, but im, uh, almost 30yrs/old & im in horrible shape & i’d rather not have an unscheduled death
— a 30yr/old boy

(10.48p,) i have a lot stored up that i havent written that id like to write, in short or long-form

(“,) i mean.. you cant just say im bipolar 2 JUST by looking at the meds im on. please
– (10.49p) well. technically you can, & ppl have, but its not very helpful

(10.51p,) is hypomania EXCLUSIVE to bipolar (2) ??

(11.00p,) ok. its almost 11p, what i WANT to do is exercise on the Thing we have & then make myself take a bath & then read a bit more & go to sleep…. but
– if i say this.. then i dont want to, & trying to reverse it doesnt make me want to do it, very unfortunately
— (11.47p) also i probably should work up to an elliptical instead of going from little to a LOT. duh this isnt black & white, emery

(11.02p,) i feel very anxious

(11.57p,) “dont eat 3hrs before going to sleep” (this i know)
“but if 4-5hrs have passed since your last big meal, you can have a little snack” (what if my “last big meal” wasnt very much & i have no idea how to eat correctly & im hesitant to see anyone abt it
– bc i dont have any kind of formal diagnosis for selective eating disorder (i know thats not what its called anymore) but oddly enough Selective Eating is kind of universally agreed upon in my immediate family plus Cam & my therapist
— (05/08/18, 12.00a,) idk how they handle things like that but if its any kind of test or meeting then…. i dont know. my stance is “i dont want to be a bother” which i know doesnt make sense
— (12.02a,) so im hesitant bc i feel i dont have the proper validation, but whether or not theyd even care about anything past “i am a very picky eater” or “i am very selective about what i eat” is unknown to me

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