04/14/18, 11.54p // april17th: anxiety day (but arent almost all days ‘anxiety days’?),

fcuk im anxious. recently i was able to get somewhat better healthcare by switching to a plan w/kaiser, a, uh, company? ive never been with before. i havent had the best luck w/physical health doctors. i was w/my pediatrician until i was around 21/22 (he knew i had no one so during 2 separate previous hospitalizations he showed up to be my dr even though i was, like i said, 21-22yrs/old, he was a sweetheart), then i had a dr in 2013 who was basically an ableist transmisic cis man who.. i understand he probably thought he was.. maybe, somehow being helpful by trying to ‘reason’ me out of basically, having bpd & being trans. its just…. thats not gonna work. after him, i  [ F I N A L L Y ]  got on hormones :-)))) & in order to do that i went to a kind of clinic that dealt w/transgender patients. sadly, though they started me on t, it was a facility that i think was generally unhappy & no one really wanted to actually be there. which presented a problem for me & my boyfriend as we have both been on t for 5+yrs & thats something that requires monitoring,,

so now im w/kaiser & all of this is incredibly new to me. ‘efficient’ & ‘healthcare’ have usually seldom gone hand-in-hand for me, but maybe K will prove to be different.
alright, so im anxious about this upcoming, i guess its basically a psychiatric evaluation. im anxious about this & my anxiety is only increasing. i still need to print out & fill out the paperwork that was supposedly sent to me back when i was on the phone w/the person who wanted to make the appointment.  am i going to tell them i feel im autistic? would they even care? i have no idea. i havent been to a new mental health person in almost 5yrs, what if…. nothing is happening in reality & im just making everything up.. like usual? i guess we’ll see. nothing helps ease this anxiety anymore, honestly what a shame,
________________________
mood: anxious & exhausted,
currently playing: [the sounds of my fans humming away]

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