THE SIGNS, BASICALLY

dark-astrology:

ARE YOU TOTALLY NEW TO ASTROLOGY? DO YOU WANT TO LEARN ASTROLOGY? THEN FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT BECAUSE THIS WILL BE A PAINFUL YET EDUCATIONAL RIDE

STEP ONE: THE SIGNS

1. ARIES

  • MARCH 21APRIL 19
  • REPRESENTED BY THE RAM
  • SHEEPS
  • FIRE SIGN
  • VERY ANGRY
  • AGGRESSIVE
  • GOTTA BE #1
  • HELLA CONFIDENT
  • LEADER AF
  • DAREDEVIL
  • DOES STUPID STUFF
  • ENTHUSIASTIC

2. TAURUS

  • APRIL 20 – MAY 20
  • REPRESENTED BY THE BULL
  • ALSO COWS
  • EARTH SIGNS
  • LAZY
  • LIKES FOOD
  • BEAUTIFUL
  • LITERAL GODDESSES
  • ALSO SLOBS
  • CUTE
  • STUBBORN
  • POSSESSIVE
  • PEACEFUL
  • CAN GO INTO REALLY SCARY RAGE

3. GEMINI

  • MAY 21 – JUNE 21
  • REPRESENTED BY TWINS
  • OOOOO
  • AIR SIGN
  • TALKS A LOT
  • REALLY WEIRD
  • THE FUNNIEST
  • LIKES ARGUING
  • FULL OF CRAP
  • FRIENDLY
  • ????? CUTIES
  • EVERYONE HATES YOU
  • BUT YOU’RE GREAT
  • ADAPTABLE
  • HUMAN CHAMELEON
  • CHAMELEONS ARE CUTE 
  • THEREFORE GEMINIS = CUTE

4. CANCER

  • JUNE 22 – JULY 22
  • REPRESENTED BY CRAB
  • BECAUSE WHEN LIFE GETS HARD THEY GO BACK INTO THEIR SHELLS
  • NO NOT THE CRABS IN YOUR PANTIES
  • WATER SIGN
  • THE SADDEST
  • BUT YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IT
  • GREAT CHEF
  • MOST LIKELY TO HAVE AN I HEART MOM TATTOO
  • LOVES HOME
  • TAKES CARE OF YOU
  • AND THEIR HOMES
  • SELF PITYING
  • BUT FORGIVABLE
  • WILL NEVER LET GO. BEWARE
  • TOTAL WIFEY MATERIAL
  • UNLESS YOU’RE UNFAITHFUL
  • THEN YOU DIE

5. LEO

  • JULY 23 – AUGUST 22
  • REPRESENTED BY LION
  • AND TIGERS AND OTHER CATS
  • LITERALLY A CAT. HERE’S HOW
  • VERY CUTE
  • LIKES ATTENTION
  • ONLY GIVES AFFECTION IN EXCHANGE FOR FOOD
  • SLEEPS ALL DAY
  • LOYAL
  • HATES EVERYONE
  • THINKS THEY’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE
  • SOMETIMES ATTACKS INANIMATE OBJECTS AND DESTROYS HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS WITH THEIR CLAWS
  • FIGHTS EVERYTHING
  • ALSO A FIRE SIGN

6. VIRGO

  • AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22
  • REPRESENTED BY THE VIRGIN
  • EARTH SIGN
  • HAHA WAIT I SAID VIRGIN
  • NEAT FREAKS
  • ORGANIZED
  • DOESN’T LIKE PEOPLE
  • CREATIVE
  • MISS INDEPENDENCE
  • EARTH SIGN
  • HASN’T SEEN THEIR BED IN THREE DAYS
  • WRITES EMO POETRY
  • GOTTA DO THINGS THEIR WAY OR NO WAY
  • PICKY
  • DOESN’T SHOW EMOTION
  • FRIENDS???
  • WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

7. LIBRA

  • SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22
  • REPRESENTED BY THE SCALES
  • NO NOT LIKE FISH SCALES
  • LIKE THE WEIGHING THING
  • AIR SIGN
  • HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS
  • TALKS A LOT
  • IS VERY CUTE
  • AIRHEADED
  • THEIR INNER MONOLOGUE IS BARBIE GIRL PLAYING OVER AND OVER
  • LIKES SHOPPING
  • CAN ACTUALLY BE DEEP
  • INDECISIVE
  • TRIES TO PLEASE EVERYONE
  • LOVES TO BE IN LOVE
  • CAN ALSO BE A HEARTLESS HOE

8. SCORPIO

  • OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21
  • REPRESENTED BY SCORPION
  • WATER SIGN AF
  • SUPPOSED TO BE SEXUAL
  • BUT REALLY THEY JUST WANNA BE IN LOVE
  • EMO AS HELL
  • DEATH STARE
  • PASSIONATE
  • DEAD HONEST
  • WILL NOT HESITATE TO MESS YOU UP
  • SECRETIVE
  • JEALOUS
  • TERRIFYING
  • BABIES ON THE INSIDE
  • INTERNALLY SCREAMING
  • PROBABLY THE GRIM REAPER

9. SAGITTARIUS

  • NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21
  • THE ARCHER
  • CENTAUR DUDE
  • HALF HORSE HALF MAN WITH ARROWS
  • FIYAAAAAAAAA
  • ADVENTUROUS
  • CAN’T LIE TO SAVE THEIR LIFE
  • DOES NOT CARE
  • AT ALL
  • THEY WILL DO WHAT THEY WANT
  • HAPPINESS GOALS
  • THE GLASS IS HALF FULL, ALSO I WANT TO SMASH IT
  • SO
  • MUCH
  • ENERGY
  • ADVENTURE TIEM!!!!!!!

10. CAPRICORN

  • DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 21
  • SEA GOAT
  • DON’T ASK WHY
  • EARTH SIGN
  • LIKES MONEY
  • AND STABILITY
  • WORKAHOLIC
  • DOESN’T LIKE FUN
  • FEAR OF RELAXATION
  • E V I L
  • ASSOCIATED WITH SATAN
  • CHRISTMAS TIME THO
  • SO SRS
  • AMBITIOUS 
  • RESPONSIBILITY AS HECK
  • KNOW IT ALL
  • STOP THAT

11. AQUARIUS

  • JANUARY 22 – FEBRUARY 18
  • REPRESENTED BY WATER BEARER
  • AIR SIGN
  • NOT WATER SIGN!! SHUT UP
  • ????
  • ALIENS
  • GOD COMPLEX
  • EGO OUT OF THIS WORLD
  • SPACE PUNS
  • WEIRDNESS
  • SCIENCE
  • LIKE GEMINI ON STEROIDS
  • NERD BUT COOL
  • NO EMOTIONS
  • MISS/MISTER INDEPENDENCE 
  • COULDN’T BE WEIRDER IF THEY TRIED
  • HONESTLY? WHO KNOWS

12. PISCES

  • FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20
  • REPRESENTED BY TWO FISH
  • NOT ONE FISH, TWO FISH
  • DR SUESS
  • CUTIES
  • SHY
  • SO SWEET
  • VERY EMOTIONAL
  • DAYDREAMY
  • DRUGS? YES PLS
  • ESCAPIST
  • MURDERERS
  • KAWAIIIIIIIIIII~
  • WATER SIGN BECAUSE OF THEIR TEARS
  • FISH PUNS

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