09/14/15 // 02.41a

original post title: “fainted again after my shot on sunday”

[[might as well use this space]]
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i did my shot yesterday & it was fine up until i had to pull the tip of the needle out of my leg skin twice (which bled in front of my v eyes! :0!!),, the third time i tried i got it in & it didnt hurt. ive taken to making extra sure im taking enough deep breaths while i do the injection, during & afterwards, haha. which is like.. yeah emery ofc u take deep breaths when u do ur shot, duh but its actually like this: im a v v v v anxious person & all my life ive been holding in my breath so im just now unlearning that part of my old self (:
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bf & i are making progress on our relationship maintenance business. its been hard,, its been really hard at times tbh, but i love him so much you wouldnt believe (: he has a job interview soon & i think hes going to do great. & the next time i see him i should give him a gift type thing (ill buy him a gram of rlly good top shelf haha) im so proud of him. he means everything to me. we were supposed to go to disneyland together last year but it didnt work out due to my social anxiety stuff so the passes or whatever he bought are still good & at one point we talked about how i felt about going in october & at that time we didnt come to a decision,, a few days ago bf tells me hes asked an old friend of his to come w him to disneyland & she agreed & they made plans to do things in LA together as well as disneyland and turns out he made the decision that i was too anxious so he’d spare me the stress & go w someone else. i got really upset about him making such a big decision for me & we had a rough time w that (hes terrible at admitting his mistakes but working on it). at that time i was still feeling like id be anxious in the disneyland crowds but now as im typing this out im getting really sad bc i do want to go. bf & i have been having a rough year & im feeling especially fragile lately. no one can do anything about anything bc both of us individually are too bogged down by their personal mental health stuff to help the other. i feel hurt, i feel alone, i feel sad, i feel (im sorry this is such a harsh word but i cant think of anything better) neglected (not on purpose, its not his fault, i know). my self esteem is past zero & deep into the negative numbers & has been for so long. a lot of my autism stuff has caused problems w our relationship. i feel like im the root of most of our problems tbh. its not a good feeling nor one i enjoy experiencing. he & i smoke weed all the time when we’re together & when we’re apart, i continue smoking & if he can get an edible then hes good too (medicated lol), so i guess we’re sort of big stoners. thats fine w me, i think. i dont really have a concept of what a stoner is, just my own framework. i hope our relationship gets better. ive been definitely having problems of my own & im working on them & making progress thats too slow for my own tastes tbh but im impatient. i want to get over all my sexual trauma bullshit & xtian schooling traumastuffs damaging impact on my personal feelings on sex & intimacy, etc. maybe one day i wont have so many problems lol. one day…. (or ill probably be dead, so)

One response to “09/14/15 // 02.41a

  1. EMERYY

    talk to me.
    immediately.

    alesanafyi@gmail.com
    or, fuck it. I’m messaging you my phone number.

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