05/15/12 // 11:35p ☹

life is hard, yes. for a lot of people. this blog isn’t about a lot of people, though, just me.

I have a lot of catching up to do. and virtually no online privacy. but that can’t be helped I suppose.
I’ve been depressed a lot these past few weeks. actually, several weeks. dysphoria, thoughts of suicide. the thing about my suicidal ideation is that fortunately or unfortunately I now know that suicide won’t help w/anything. getting moving is hard when you’ve hardly ever done it.
like I said, my brother and I used to choose which characters in whatever form of entertainment we’d take part in. we haven’t done that in years and along comes Tom Hiddleston to almost literally ruin my life. playing Loki Lafeyson in Thor & The Avengers, he has become my inspiration, model, muse, and ultimate source of misery. mind you, I do this to myself; self-torture has always come naturally as has self destruction, both of which I’m good at. so I appoint my brother the character Thor and myself, Loki. they’re brothers as Michael & I are brothers, or so pretty much only I think. Thor is the good son and Loki, the evil. sparse few people know about this secret wish of mine; I can relate to Loki and his situation quite well. Michael does not understand this, I do not attempt to explain it to him. in a joking manner I call him “Thor” and “brother” and ask him to call me “Loki” in return but he doesn’t. last week I tried again and he said no, I was “me” and not Loki.
oh how you have wronged me, dear brother.
I think that would have broken my heart, if I had a heart. but it broke something else, of which I’m not sure, but I’ve been encased in this misery ever since.
no one knows how serious I take these things.
and there’s nothing I can do about it that would help me now. everything is “later, later, later” but I wonder if I’ll soon forget the reason why suicide is pointless and just go for it anyway?
but there’s something else that prevents me from doing that, and that is my having to present myself as stable for an uninterrupted period of time before my therapist will consider taking any steps towards helping me w/gender therapy. and that is what I know will help me move forward — hormones. but I’m wading into a river and the current’s flowing against me and I’m tired. I’m really fucking tired and if it’s not going to happen then why not just give up? because I need to counteract my “unstable” past in order to be considered “stable.”
isn’t that what some humans call a “catch 22”? I’m not fully aware.
so as of now I feel helpless, hopeless, I can’t ask anyone for help, and the people I confide in just say “hang in there, it’ll get better.”
and fuck you too.

reply