12/26/11, 05.43p // “”Passing,””

an old post concerning the outdated concept of “passing” as a trans person (04/13/18)
I don’t think I pass. I wish I did, honestly. Cxxx says I’m more on the androgynous side & that’s good but why do people always assume I’m a girl? Not that I’m one of them but “pretty boys” exist.

What is it about me that makes people think “female”? Id really like to know.
I wear a binder all the time, my chest is small (but not small enough), I wear semi-baggy clothes….

Is it my face? I don’t know what to do about that if that’s the case. Right now going on T isn’t really all that appealing to me. I don’t know if I could do it. Id like my voice to be a bit lower & maybe my body would straighten out a bit but that’s all I can think of that id want changed & you can’t just pick and choose what the hormones do to you.

Unlike Hxxxxxxx & Exxx’s stories, mine doesn’t have a happy ending since it’s nowhere close to being complete. That was one of the reasons I didn’t speak at MxXxxxx’s when they recanted their tales. I felt so ashamed I almost cried right there in front of everyone. I was thankful that Cxxx had us leave shortly after that. She knew something was wrong. She always knows. I love that about her.

To be honest, it’s getting worse. The dysphoria; being back in ca where I’m known as a “she”….my anxiety levels spike whenever I’m referred to as a female in any form. But I have to keep all of this to myself. Away from my family, at least. I need to move out before I address this w/my parents. Otherwise it’d just delay my leaving.