07/10/10, 03.06p // ‘[to] tell the difference between theives and crooks,’

Internet has been slow today, ever since it went completely out a few hours ago. All I’m really waiting for is a couple films, Silent Hill 2, and the third season of Breaking Bad to finish. My life is just a box of chocolates, isn’t it? Even if it was, it’d be the same piece of chocolate over and over again, never changing.

My chat with Dr W. yesterday has been running through my mind all morning; we talked about how alone and isolated I am. He told me that just sometimes I do long for “friends,” the company of others, and that’s true but most if not all of the time I’m better off alone. I find it to be too tedious being around people. I know it’s a completely overdone thing but it’s true: (I’m almost exactly like Dexter) I have to put up a front, put on a performance, pretend around other people. And for those who know what I’m talking about, you know how draining this can be.
We also surmised that, big surprise, I’m afraid of rejection since it’s happened so much in the past. I’m definitely not saying that I’m an exception or a special case, I’m not, trust me. (Hah, trust. One thing we didn’t get to but would have a lot to talk about on the subject.) Along the rejection line, I can think of situations where I’ve put myself out there and got, well, burned (the image of a hand touching fire comes to mind). When I was a junior at my high school I’d made friends with a girl named J. She was shy and didn’t talk very much until she became more comfortable with me. Back then I was a lot less reserved than I am now, so I’d talk mostly. I can’t remember how it came up but I started talking about the gay prom that I was going to (June 2008) and when she asked me why I was going I told her that I was gay and that was the end of that “friendship.” She started quoting bible verses to me and I immediately shut down.

The only reason I bring up that one situation is bc it’s the one that stands out the most in my mind.

So yes, in general I keep well to myself and never let anyone in since it’s pretty much never worth it. I tried twice with two different people last semester and both crashed and burned. Maybe the fall semester will be better than the last fall semester? One can never tell.

Off to play Left 4 Dead 2 with Exxxx now. :)
________________________
mood: apathetic,
currently playing: “Road to Acceptance” – Green Day

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