07/01/10, 05.46p // “‘The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy,'”

I wonder what it’s like to be in a stable, healthy relationship. I really do since I’ve never been in one before. Mine have pretty much all been dysfunctional, but I won’t go into any details; those people are not important to me. My isolation has been getting to me. It’s starting to feel like, well, I can only describe it with a part from American Psycho (the book), the part where Patrick had nailed another girl by her arms to a piece of wood and was just experimenting with her; he shoved his hand down her throat and pulled on the esophagus and her neck caved in. It’s kind of like that but less extreme.

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I’ve been spending all my time in my room on the Internet or watching Dexter. Chloe is the only one who really stays with me. She falls asleep next to me; sometimes we fall asleep together (her first). I feel dull, like an un-sharpened blade that’s just been left lying somewhere, collecting dust. I’m not saying that in reference to my intelligence, I’ve never thought of myself as smart or ‘as sharp as a knife.’ Something’s wrong with my memory, I think because of my eating habits (my ED…).

Yes, alright, I wish that I had a girlfriend but there’s too many complications for me to have one. I have issues with relationships: I want intimacy but I’m so very afraid of it, I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing my emotions, I can get clingy or needy because I’m afraid the person will leave me, I’m very insecure and have very low self-esteem (if those things weren’t already evident enough). I have a button on my jacket and it says, “I’m a Mess,” and I know that to be very true. And it’s also from the Everlong video (Dave had it pinned to his jacket at the beginning, looking punk-ish). :)

The only one who can fix this is me and I do desperately want to get better but nothing ever changes. I make a lot of effort during therapy but I’m just getting nowhere fast. But it’s not Dr. W.’s fault, if there’s anyone to blame, it’s definitely me. I have a hard time with change…I don’t know how.

Tomorrow I go to therapy at 10:00a and then my parents go by themselves at 4:00p to “check in” I suppose. I don’t know what good that’ll do. Now I’ve got some more Dexter to watch. My cigarette burn scar…I like it.

(Quote by Jim Rohn)
mood: tired,