06/30/10, 05.43p // ‘i’m all burnt-out,’

trigger warnings required,
trigger warning: self injury (cutting, burning, suicidality,

I’m feeling very out of it right now. Last night I smoked my last cigarette; 7/7. Before I was done with it I took a breath and then put it out on my left arm. It burned but wasn’t that bad. Later on my mother told me that she could smell smoke on me and for some reason I showed her my arm. She insisted that I let her put some salve and a bandage on it, so I let her. When I got back to my room I took it off and wiped the salve away. This morning I checked my arm and the burn had turned into a bubble of some sort of liquid, so I broke it open with my fingernails and drained it. I wonder if I wasn’t supposed to do that… But it’s done; now it’s flat and round. I don’t know how it’ll turn out but don’t tell me, I want it to be a surprise. I’m not as huge a burner as I am a cutter but I do burn myself once in a very great while. Last time I had a hot glue gun and squeezed out some of it onto my arm. I don’t like burning, though for one simple reason: there isn’t any blood. I need blood as well as pain (if I ever feel it) in order to “feel better” about whatever it was that led me to do it.

istockphoto dot com / “view as cigarette burns all over on white background.jpg”

This whole thing of me not having anyone to talk to, not having anyone around my neighbourhood or anywhere close, here, is beginning to get to me. I really wish that there were people “out there” I could meet in some way and actually become real friends with. If I really think about it, and if the definition of a friend is someone you can trust, be comfortable around and talk to, things like that, then I’ve never had a friend. The only person I can think of who fits that description is Exxxx and he lives in Sxxxxx Ixxxxx, all the way on the other side, which fucking sucks.

When I went to see Dr. Meds yesterday (my psychiatrist) he brought up relationships and told me that I wanted one. And in all honesty, yes, I do want to be in a relationship. A stable, mature relationship with someone who isn’t interested in making me their gay science project just so they can see if they are.
The only “real life” relationships I’ve had turned out to be that way, which I think is really unfair. I didn’t know that I was an experiment until it was over and I was in the ER swallowing liquid charcoal and waiting to be transferred to Jxxx Gxxxxx (the holding place for the suicidal). “Call me pathetic, call me what you will,” that’s how bad it got for me and I’m not ashamed that it came to that. It’s just what happened. Since I was young I’ve always known that the way I’m going to die is by my own hand; I know this depression, all this shit will catch up to me and knock me down. I can’t avoid it forever. And I hate it when people say things like they don’t want you to kill yourself because they’ll be sad or miss you. They’ll be sad. Jesus Christ, sad? Then what do you think I am??

I got my new phone today. The only problem I’m having is that I keep running into problems activating it. But I like it; I’ll have to get used to it after having my old one for so long. I have a lot I need to get from my old phone to the new one now…that’s going to take some time, but I usually like doing those sorts of things. I used my picture-for-the-day from DailyBooth (see below) to take this picture. I wasn’t aiming for a real good shot since my webcam doesn’t specialize in high quality photos. My phone does, however. 5.1 megapixels – more than my mother’s digital camera has (4 mpx). It also has an actual flashlight that doubles as the flash for the camera, so I’ll be keeping this with me at night. :)

photobucket wants $$ for: “dailybooth2.jpg”

And lastly, yesterday I was on flickr looking over my friend Mxxxx’s photostream and she’d tagged me in a picture (I still don’t know what to do when I get tagged on flickr…anyone?). In the description she’d posted a link to her new DailyBooth account. I’d been there before, maybe last year, but I didn’t think of getting an account. So I set up an account yesterday and found that it’s pretty fun. I’d encourage anyone with a zest for taking (mainly) self portraits to join. My Booth is http://dailybooth.com/tripto if you want to contact me so I can follow you. :) It’s fun, I promiseee.

Also, if anyone is interested, I’ve got skype for no real reason at all and I’ve been debating as to whether I should just uninstall it or try to find a use for it. That’s just me throwing that out there.

here’s hoping you have a good day.

mood: satisfied,
currently playing: “Ion Square” – Bloc Party